Escape the Allure of Negativity with the Pursuit of Fulfillment

Many in our modern society need to escape the allure of negativity with the pursuit of fulfillment because social media causes us to lean into our negativity bias while fulfillment seeks the positive. Negativity bias is the tendency to pay more attention to negative information than positive information. Our brains have evolved to pay more attention to negative information than positive information because our ancestors needed to quickly detect and react to threats to survive.

Neuroscientists and behavioral scientists have found that negative emotions linger longer than positive emotions because we spend more time processing negative experiences than positive ones.¹ Studies of content posted on X, formerly Twitter, show that while most posts express positive emotions, the posts that express negative emotions are shared more.² In fact, public figures who share content expressing negative emotions see increased followership and re-tweets so they share even more negative content creating a reinforcing cycle of negativity. So, when we scroll, we see inflated exposure to negativity from the power users seeking more influence.

One factor contributing to cynicism and dissatisfaction trending up over the last couple of decades according to research is our inflated exposure to negativity from social media power users seeking more influence.^3.4 In turn, cynicism and dissatisfaction are two of the four signs that fulfillment is missing from your life. Fulfillment enables you to process negativity rather than wallow in it because the pursuit of fulfillment teaches the skill of controlling your inner experience.⁵

Fulfillment is a smarter goal than either happiness or success. Happiness is a short-lived, high arousal emotion while fulfillment comes from recognizing our unique and meaningful impact in work or in life. You cannot control when you are going to experience happiness but you can control the pursuit of fulfillment. Similarly, success is the result of how others judge your work while fulfillment is the result of how you judge your work. You cannot control how others judge your work but you can control how you judge your work by working on things that matter to you and that are aligned with your talents.
Emotions are the brain’s barometer because emotions indicate threat or reward and the job of the brain is to minimize threat and maximize reward. So, the four signs that fulfillment is missing from your life come from emotional states. The emotional aspects of fulfillment have been determined through research.⁶ The signs that fulfillment is missing from your life are the emotional states that are opposite to the emotional aspects of fulfillment. The four signs that fulfillment is missing from your life are repeated or persistent feelings of cynicism, dissatisfaction, mismanaged stress, or regret. This blog post explores each of these signs that fulfillment is missing from your life.

Cynicism as a Sign Fulfillment is Missing from Your Life

One sign that fulfillment is missing from your life is cynicism. Cynicism is the belief that in general, people are selfish, greedy, and dishonest. Researchers point to three myths about cynicism. The first myth is that cynics are intellectually smarter than non-cynics. In fact, 70% of people believe that cynics are smarter than non-cynics.⁷ Researchers have gathered data from hundreds of thousands of people and found that non-cynics outperform cynics on cognitive tests. The second myth is that cynics are smarter about people than non-cynics. In fact, 85% of people believe that cynics will be socially smarter, for instance, better at detecting liars than non-cynics. The same research study cited above found that cynics are worse at spotting liars than non-cynics. The third myth is that cynics are more protected from being hurt by other people than non-cynics. Behavioral scientists find that cynics do not put faith in people so do not to take risks in reaching out to new people and miss opportunities for connection. As a result, cynics tend to become socially isolated. Research shows that cynics, over the long term, suffer from more depression and loneliness, but also from more heart disease, diabetes, and cellular aging than non-cynics. Cynics even die younger than non-cynics because without going out and connecting with people, cynics lose one of the most beneficial things for human health which is social connection. Cynics may not be hurt by as many people as non-cynics in the short term but, over the long term, cynics are more hurt than non-cynics from the absence of others in their lives.

One way to mitigate against the disadvantages of cynicism is to understand the difference between cynicism and skepticism. Psychology professor Dr. Jamil Zaki likens cynics to lawyers and skeptics to scientists.⁸ Dr. Zaki explains that cynics are like lawyers who are prosecuting all of humanity because they view all behavior through the lens of expecting selfish or cruel behavior. In contrast, skeptics are open to all information whether it supports assumptions about others or not like scientists using the scientific method to test a hypothesis. So, cynics practice limited thinking when it comes to other people while skeptics practice curiosity when it comes to other people. Curiosity enables skeptics to learn and get smarter about people whereas the limited thinking practiced by cynics towards people does not enable learning.

Dissatisfaction as a Sign Fulfillment is Missing from Your Life

A second sign that fulfillment is missing from your life is dissatisfaction. Dissatisfaction is discontent which Brene Brown describes as wanting more, more, more because your desire cannot be satisfied.⁹ So, dissatisfaction comes from unrequited wanting. If you get a better job or buy a new house, then the initial joy is high but soon dissipates and you find yourself looking for the next thing that will make you happy so the cycle of wanting repeats. Dissatisfaction is the result of a phenomenon known as hedonic adaptation.¹⁰

Hedonic adaptation refers to the way humans quickly return to a baseline level of happiness after positive changes in their lives because the brain adapts to the new normal and the joy fades.
Dissatisfaction is the consequence of pursing happiness or success because our brain adapts to a new normal following a positive experience so we need another positive experience to feel happy or successful again. There are several science-backed strategies that can help individuals break free from the cycle of dissatisfaction and experience a more lasting form of happiness known as fulfillment. One of these strategies is experiencing gratitude. Gratitude consists of seeing you have obtained a positive outcome and recognizing that the positive outcome comes from an external source.¹¹ For example, every day at the end of the day I write down three things I am grateful for including an explanation of why I am grateful for each thing.

Mismanaged Stress as a Sign Fulfillment is Missing from Your Life

A third sign that fulfillment is missing from your life is mismanaged stress. Mismanaged stress can show up in many ways. For example, mismanaged stress can lead to unhealthy behaviors like eating unhealthy foods, drinking too much alcohol, smoking or vaping, insufficient sleep, or lack of exercise. Unhealthy behaviors, in turn, can lead to chronic health conditions like Type 2 diabetes, heart disease, irritable bowel syndrome, and more. Stress is an unavoidable aspect of life so the way to address mismanaged stress is to develop a new mindset towards stress. For example, psychologist Kelly McGonigal has research to support the benefits of developing a positive stress mindset.¹²

A positive stress mindset consists of three elements: importance, challenge, and growth. The first two elements of a positive stress mindset come from the belief that stress happens when there is both something we value or find important and there is challenge present. The belief that stress happens when importance and challenge are both present is backed by behavioral research. So, stress is a signpost of our values and of challenge. The third element comes from the belief that stress is the body’s way of preparing us to address a challenge that is important to us. This third element is backed by neuroscience research on what happens to the brain when we are under stress. Addressing a challenge is how we grow and learn. So, stress is important to our growth and understanding our values and what is important to us enables us to harness stress for learning and growth.

Regret as a Sign Fulfillment is Missing from Your Life

A fourth sign that fulfillment is missing from your life is regret. Brene Brown describes regret as an unwanted and unexpected outcome caused by our decisions or actions.¹³ Brene also points out that research shows that in the short term we tend to regret bad outcomes from actions we took while over the long term we tend to regret actions we did not take or missed opportunities.

Daniel Pink points out in his book that all humans have regrets but not all humans process those regrets in a way that makes you a better person.¹⁴ Pink collected over 16,000 regrets and found that they fell into one of four categories: foundation, boldness, moral, or connection. Foundation regrets come from thinking “if only I had done the work” such as regretting not saving enough money. Boldness regrets come from thinking “if only I had taken the chance” such as regretting not speaking up. Moral regrets come from thinking “if only I had done the right thing” such as regretting an infidelity. Finally, connection regrets come from thinking “if only I had reached out” such as regretting not staying in touch with a friend. Pink describes in his book how you can learn a lesson from each type of regret and take action to become a better person because of that lesson.

Summary and Next Steps

One factor contributing to the rise of cynicism and dissatisfaction over the last couple of decades is our inflated exposure to negativity in social media from power users seeking more influence. Cynicism makes it difficult to build the social connections our brains and in turn our bodies need to stay healthy as social beings. Dissatisfaction is the result of pursuing success or happiness because of the brain’s ability to adapt to a new normal which means joy from an experience of success or happiness does not last. Dissatisfaction can become cyclical because once the joy fades from one experience of success or happiness we need another hit of joy so pursue the next experience of success or happiness and the cycle continues. The chronic pursuit of success or happiness can lead to stress which when not managed well can lead to unhealthy behaviors and the resulting health problems. Regrets can also weigh in and create stress when we are feeling dissatisfied.

Cynicism, dissatisfaction, mismanaged stress, and regrets result from our accumulated experiences and how we process things that happen to us. We cannot control everything that happens to us but we can control how we respond to what happens to us. So, we can find hope, satisfaction, and manage stress and regrets for growth by controlling our inner experience. The pursuit of fulfillment takes learning how to control our inner experience and is a smarter goal than happiness or success. We cannot control what triggers our happiness or success but we can control what triggers fulfillment since fulfillment comes from aligning our work and life with what is important to us and our purpose.

I have been interested in the topic of fulfillment since high school so going on 50 years now. I was thrilled to recently discover the 2023 research behind the Fulfilled Life Scale! So, I curated the most powerful, science-based practices to pursue fulfillment from my experience and research and created a new on-line course for the benefit of others interested in fulfillment.¹⁵ This course includes the Fulfilled Life Scale to measure needs and progress with respect to fulfillment. I have recently been helping family and friends discover their purpose and I have been a witness to the positive transformation that ensues! Discovering your purpose is a key part of a fulfillment journey. Simon Sinek has provided an easy-to-follow and effective process to do this in his book Find Your Why.¹⁶ This is the process I have used for myself and with family and friends and this is the process that has informed the do-it-yourself approach to find your purpose in my new course. If a course is not of interest to you, then I recommend doing the purpose exercise described by Simon Sinek so you can find fulfillment by aligning your work and life with your purpose.

References

1. NLI Foundations in NeuroLeadership certification program fall 2017.
2. Schöne JP, Garcia D, Parkinson B, Goldenberg A. “Negative expressions are shared more on Twitter for public figures than for ordinary users.” PNAS Nexus. 2023 Jul 6;2[7], page 219.
3. https://www.goodlifeproject.com/podcast/the-science-of-hope-how-to-overcome-cynicism-and-believe-in-human-goodness/
4. Miller AL, Bhattacharyya M, Bhattacharyya R, Frankhauser F, Miller LE. Determinants of life dissatisfaction among adults in the United States: A cross-sectional analysis of the National Health Interview Survey. Medicine 2023;102:32 [e34488].
5. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, New York: Harper Perennial, 1990.
6. https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2022/01/fullfillment-mental-health-study-ageing/
7. https://www.goodlifeproject.com/podcast/the-science-of-hope-how-to-overcome-cynicism-and-believe-in-human-goodness/
8. Jamil Zaki, Hope for Cynics: The Surprising Science of Human Goodness, New York: Grand Central Publishing, 2024.
9. Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience, New York: Random House, 2021, page 269.
10. D. Kahneman, E. Diener, and N. Schwarz editors of Well-being: The foundations of hedonic psychology, Russel Sage Foundation, 1999.
11. “The Science of Gratitude” by Summer Allen at the University of California Berkeley Greater Good Science Center, May 2018.
12. Kelly McGonigal, The Upside of Stress: Why Stress Is Good for You, and How to Get Good at It, New York: Avery, 2015.
13. Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience, New York: Random House, 2021, page 52.
14. Daniel H. Pink, The Power of Regret: How Looking Backwards Moves Us Forward, New York: Riverhead Books, 2022.
15. https://valerie-s-site-68ec.thinkific.com/products/courses/science-and-practice-of-fulfillment
16. Simon Sinek, David Mead, and Peter Docker, Find Your Why: A Practical Guide for Discovering Purpose for You and Your Team, New York: Portfolio, 2017.